Rantings of the innocent

Feed the Fish for Food

2009-06-03T23:48:00.002+08:00

Here I am. After years of battling with emotions. We dead. You dead. I dead.
The infatuation.
The intoxication.
Finally the liquidation.

Never fought so hard to lose. Battle = lost. War = lost.
Archive the memories. What remains is nothing but dust.
And as life goes on. We live not for ourselves and not for others. We live to die. We already dead.

seasons.

2008-09-14T02:46:00.003+08:00

wow...
it appears that i only blog when im sad huh
yea...
im feeling it again.

its a bittersweet symphony...
thats life...

God... guide me...
not just through this one...
but through my life...
Amen.

tonight.

2008-02-11T03:46:00.000+08:00

tonight i looked at the sky and it looked back at me
with a sigh i took on this journey
leaving a dream that i fought so hard for
tonight i've decided to leave the dream that made me
i've decided to let you not affect me
look at me differently if you would like
but know that if you fought
i would have fought together with you

i hesitate
let me not do this on impulse
sometimes life is a sentence worst than death

in the last days i've felt
the feeling of not having something
the feeling of losing something
the feeling of giving up something you fought so hard to keep
just to spare yourself the pain of losing it
its gay. but its good? maybe.
would you cut off a limb so that you could keep your heart?
i'ld cut my heart so that the limb won't hurt

maybe i'm blinded. maybe i'm seeing clearly.
build a house. plant a tree.
theres no you left for me.

lines.

2007-09-12T01:12:00.001+08:00

i would if i could, but i can't so i won't.
but i would. if i could.

he did although he shouldn't. but i didn't because i shouldn't.

playing by the rules makes one a fool
because lines are just imaginary
but given another go, i still wouldn't because i shouldn't

its alright. its ok. you are stupid anyway.

blankout

2007-08-09T02:27:00.000+08:00

i wish i could find a better solution. goodnight world.

bashing my brains in

2007-08-06T01:13:00.001+08:00

its so hard its so hard its so hard its so hard its so hard its so hard its so hard its so hard to not think. goodnight world.

sigh.

2007-08-05T14:16:00.000+08:00

learning to fly is so difficult.
as u learn to fly higher, each fall is harder...
i miss u already...its been a while since i teared...
shit im turning into one of thosegay frat boys..

monster.

2007-07-23T01:20:00.000+08:00

im not the monster....
its the monster that's in me...

am i ever gonna learn to fly?

shut up!

2007-05-18T03:02:00.000+08:00

its the voices in my head... they yell at me to do terrible things. i try to fight them and most of the time i win, but when im tired i sometimes give in. just shut them up won't you.

playing on.

2007-05-08T14:18:00.000+08:00

dreaming.

2007-03-23T20:12:00.000+08:00

all the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey...

don't even bother coz im not around even when i am...
and when im not it won't matter anyway.

the traveller moves on... alone... seeking... seeking himself. seeking the answers to questions long lost.

.coz it should be...

2007-03-19T22:47:00.000+08:00

i'll drive so far away that i'll never cross your mind
i'll do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
so help me...

dang.

2007-03-17T17:05:00.000+08:00

It's 5.00pm on a saturday noon and i know im supposed to be in church but im still at home... sigh... i really don't FEEL like going at all... but im gonna go anyways... like right after this... hahaha... when will come the day when i can do what i feel like? hmm... ok anyway this week was pretty silent again... i guess im starting to feel i know why im like this... 2 words... deaf ears... (WHATEVER!) im not making sense once again thankyew... ok betta get this ass of mine going... imma bounce...

hate me.

2007-03-10T02:59:00.000+08:00

recently i've been very silent... i don't feel like talking to anyone... and i've been exceptionally irrtable... and all i wanna do is club...wads wrong with me? argh..hate myself.

sigh.

2007-03-03T01:06:00.000+08:00

"why are you avoiding me?"

- coz we want whats best for you.
- coz this isn't what you should be doing.
- coz i hope this will help make things easier with your decision.

break the silence.

2007-02-23T18:55:00.000+08:00

sometimes i feel i just have to let it out.

where did u go? i miss you so...seems like forever that you've been gone...

airlocked.

2006-09-23T23:42:00.000+08:00

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I remember the times when we shared whatever we had, good or bad. I remember.
MOVE ON ZECH...........................................................................................................

dead.

2006-08-05T13:35:00.000+08:00

tired. so tired.
i chose this path...

can't blame anyone for it...

..

2006-06-23T19:08:00.000+08:00

everyone's gotta learn sometimes...
i'll be fine...

//aaaaaa

2006-06-12T20:22:00.000+08:00

Wah lao eh... omen sial!.... The Omen is a damn stupid movie and i would discourage anyone from watching... there are only like 3 scary parts and the rest is comedy... ok anyways, i was riding on the ECP today and i felt like i was going abit too fast so i glanced at my speedometer and guess what.... 0km/h!!! how cool is that...now i can speed and not get caught coz im perpectually travelling at 0km/h... yah shit man i think i got nothing else to say... sometimes i think im a boring person... finally feeling the confusion... pls seek tua pek kong... hahaha no la kidding seek God...yes...seek God...

kucf

2006-06-03T16:49:00.000+08:00

ive lost myself.................................................................................................................................................................................

what it is to burn.

2006-06-03T13:47:00.000+08:00

Today's on fireThe sky is bleeding above me, and I am blisteredI walk these lines of blasphemy, every dayAnd still:Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to herShe's the only one who knows, what it is to burnI feel diseasedIs there no sympathy from the sun?The sky's still fireBut I am safe in here, from the world outsideSo tell meWhat's the price to pay for glory?Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to herShe's the only one who knows, what it is to burnToday is fire, and she burnsToday is fire, and she burnsShe burnsShe burnsShe burnsShe burnsShe burnsShe burnsLike a bad star, I'm falling faster down to herShe's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

ARGH SCREW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

asdf

2006-05-18T20:55:00.000+08:00

some people always say: i love chocolate! or i love mickey mouse! i say: pang pui la! love is painful... if its not painful then its not love. then why love. i dun understand it too... when u see a dying man some of you walk past and say oh so poor thing this fellow ... some of you say siam la dun block my way, and some of you just don't say anythign but give him some ointment for his wound... i dun understand why am i typing this too... but i guess all of us really need some ointment for our wounds....

B.

2006-04-28T00:39:00.000+08:00

I seek comfort in yesterday's memories
While the present unveils in its time
You're beautiful, yet I am blind
And I'd be blind forever if I passed you by

everytime we touch.

2006-04-09T02:34:00.000+08:00

i still hear your voice when you sleep next to me
i still feel your touch in my dreams
forgive me my weakness but i don't know why
without you its hard to survive

coz everytime we touch i get this feeling
and everytime we kiss i swear i can fly
can't you feel my heart beat fast, i want this to last

coz everytime we touch i feel estatic
everytime we kiss i reach for the sky
can't you feel my heart beat so
i can't let you go
need you in my life

your arms are my castle
your heart is my sky
they wipe away tears that i cry
the good and the bad times we've been through them all
you make me rise when i fall

can't believe trance songs got such nice lyrics man,..

surface.

2006-03-11T03:42:00.000+08:00

a thought i had today... about jesus... about the birth and death of christ. Isn't it ironical how a baby ,whose birth was celebrated by many people at that time, died in a completely different way... like how he was humiliated and tortured and left for dead on the cross... and it was all for one cause, that was to prove a point, but sadly the majority of the people were against the idea and he got nailed for it...

throughout the 40 years of his life, he never gave in, and he never lost hope. he never gave up and always did the right thing... isn't that like... impossible in the world today... or even at that time... i compare my life with his and my conclusion is that i failed terribly to be like christ, to live like him as i vowed to before...

I gotta confess... i am weak. In front of many people, i potray myself as a confident and strong person who will fight for what i want, but i guess i have failed in one aspect, and that is to live a life that is worthy of respect to myself and to others. I told myself, i gotta fight it... i gotta press on because of you and you and you... i gotta refrain from all that nonsense, but once again when the pain gets too real i can't help but to find a temporary painkiller... There are demons amongst us where we dwell, even inside us, and i try so hard to rely on the angels instead, hoping that one day, maybe one day, i will be able to piece it all together, a picture that's worthy for your viewing. but it hurts so bad coz i never know when you will look at me or whether you are ever will, and sometimes it seems im fighting on for a cause that isn't even worth it. Its tiring... its like running on without knowing when it will end or where it will bring you, and i'm running out of stamina. I need a break... i need to let loose... i need you to cheer me on because im falling out soon...

krucifix.

2006-03-01T01:20:00.000+08:00

Lord, please make it go away. Grant me strength and perseverence. Amen.

open sores.

2006-02-26T09:40:00.000+08:00

i never thought it will end up this way]
[ but all roads lead to a dead end
>till death seperates my breath from my body
i won't regret living on // for this dream

Ep;02 --

And you he made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power in the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, among whom also we once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desire of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath just as the others.

But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alivetogether with Christ, and raised us up together and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness towards us in Christ Jesus.

the cup half empty.

2006-02-12T08:31:00.000+08:00

sometimes i really feel so... disconnected from the world outside. and its not like i really have a choice. another 1 and a half years and this fucken war will be over... woohoo.anyways some mutha has been messing around with my bike when im away... and i can see the pain she went thru when i finally got to see her today... arghhhhhhhh... it pains me too man...

*.carpet burns & coffee stains

2006-01-31T05:11:00.000+08:00

woosh! its 6 am now and i am freaking tired. my eyes are closing yet i am forcing myself not to sleep. its the best feeling in the world... its like being stuck between 2 dimensions, the concious and the unconcious, where you would find the sub concious. its the part of the mind below the level of conscious perception, where random decisions that you made in life will suddenly start to make sense although it actually doesnt make any sense... baaah.... bullshit!

farkkkkkkkkkkk!

2006-01-21T16:48:00.000+08:00

So today is the 1st time in 3 or 4 weeks that i finally got to book out on a SATURDAY noon, and guess what. I was happily walking home after a long journey from camp when i saw my bike cover flying in the wind, and the bike compartment had been pryed open. If there's any prayer in my whole life that will be answered, it will be that the guy who did all this gets HERPES and becomes IMPOTENT and a CAULIFLOWER will start to bloom on his bald dickhead. You can mess with a guy's mistress, or his mom or his grandma but never mess with his vespa!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

.eat it

2005-12-15T03:47:00.000+08:00

it's tiring to rise and fall like nothing at all but all i do is sit and wait to answer the call though deeply yearning for more i wish i answered the door but i guess i'm just missing the balls so just sit and wait with me once more because life is indeed a bore

dirt.

2005-12-11T02:09:00.000+08:00

i dont mean to whine. really. but deep inside i feel shit. why am i letting myself fall into this trap... God give me strength, give me strength... i need you lord... and i am sorry, sorry for being misguided, sorry for letting the devil get the better of me. no words can describe my guilt at this moment, and i am truely sorry. I know i've let you down lord and i am not worthy of the love and affection that i crave from you. but i thank you for giving me chances upon chances, for allowing me to be myself. Lord, i need you more than ever in my life. I realise its just bullshit when i said i could control my own life, because now that i look back, i know, that you did a far better job than the mess that i have created for myself. So now i humble myself and beg, please... i need you. Lord, i can't do it without you.

Isn't it weird, how we take for granted the things that have always been there... and always yearn for more but in the end all it brings is load after load of problems. I think this is the 1st time that i have blogged so openly and honestly. Well i think ive said enough for a day and it really feels good to let it all out...

rebirth.

2005-12-08T02:11:00.000+08:00

I thought I was smart, I thought I was right
I thought it better not to fight
I thought there was a virtue in always being cool
So it came time to fight, I thought I'll just step aside
And that the time would prove you wrong
And that you would be the fool

I don't know where the sunbeams end and that the starlights begin
It's all a mystery

Oh, to fight is to defend
If it's not now then tell me when would be the time
That you would stand up and be a man
For to lose I could accept
But to surrender I just wept
And regretted this moment, oh that I,
I was the fool

I don't know where the sunbeams end and that the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
And I don't know how a man decides what's right for his own life
It's all a mystery

Cause I'm a man, not a boy
And there are things you can't avoid
You have to face them when you're not prepared to face them
If I could, I would, but you're with him
I'll do no good
I should have fought him but instead
I let him, I let him take you

I don' know where the sunbeams end and that the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
And I don' know how a man decides what' right for his own life
It' all a mystery

pot

2005-09-05T01:40:00.000+08:00

singapore government... FUCK YOU!!!

Take away my freedom! arghasdhaksdha!!
see you guys in 2 weeks time la. im going to be botak.

isn't there more to life

2005-08-17T23:52:00.000+08:00

than just growing up with qualifications trying to beat the rest meeting someone you love growing old having kids and then die.

pipe dreams.

2005-07-31T02:15:00.000+08:00

i gotta tank full of gas
so i picked up a few on the way
and one by one they left
but when one left another one came
soon i found myself driving everyone else but myself
and before i knew it i was outta gas
so now it's my turn to hitch a ride
hope i reach home real quick...

sunbeams and dipshits.

2005-07-20T03:46:00.000+08:00

Cheers to the BU. and right now i really feel like being a B. but im already one... thats y im in the BU. and finally it feels good to not be the one being played out. so remember to B others before they B you. Let them feel the pain becoz it would have been you. you turned me into something you wish u never were.

if only.

2005-07-16T02:34:00.000+08:00

if only i was an umbrella i would be there to shelter you.

if only...

fup.

2005-07-01T01:58:00.000+08:00

This few weeks has been rather fup. Sometimes certain situations are beyond our control. Feeling abit helpless and lost.

a few things bothering me right now.

1. $200 fine. "Riding motor cycle in such a manner as to evade road user charge." Payment must be made before 28th July, otherwise I will have to appear in court personally to answer for the charges. How i got into this mess is long story...

2. 6 demerit points. Every probationary driver/rider ("triangle plate drivers") is permitted to obtain 12 demerit points within the first year of driving. Otherwise, their driving license will be disqualified for a year, meaning that all classes of licenses (car, bike lorry etc..) will be disqualified. And i got 6 fpoints within the 1st month of aquiring my bike license. long story.

3. My mom has dengue fever. On top of that, my house will have to be fumigated.

well actually the list can go on and on, but i guess its better to stop at 3. too stressed already.

I feel quite guilty for not being able to stay at home to take care of her. and she has to take care of me instead. and causing her to worry about my fine and my demerit points in a time like this. i also realised, my mom and dad are getting old. give them about 5 more years and it'll be time for them to retire. By then, their lifesavings would have been used up for my uni sch fees and for my sis's sch fees too. and then it would be my turn to carry the torch. i feel such a heavy burden already... its like the money im making now is not even enough to cover my own expenses, let alone take care of other pple. maybe im just thinking too far ahead, but its only 5 years away.

somehow, i wish i had a different life. somewhere in bali maybe... where the waves are huge and i can make a living from renting surfboards by the beach. and it'll just be shorts and tshirts all day, barefooted on the beach. and then at night we could take a stroll by the beach, ride down to the seafood restaurant on a vespa for a meal. hahaha! thats already heaven for me... kampung life dude... Singapore is so stressful.

Stand by me - Oasis

2005-06-25T04:33:00.000+08:00

Made a meal and threw it up on Sunday
I've got a lot of things to learn
Said I would and I believe in one day
Before my heart starts to burn

So what's the matter with you
Sing me something new
Don't you know the cold and wind and rain don't know
They only seem to come and go away

Times are hard when things have got no meaning
I've found a key upon the floor
Maybe you and I will not believe in the things we find behind the door

Stand by me
No body knows, the way it's gonna be....

lullabye.

2005-06-12T02:31:00.000+08:00

Weird. Last night, when i was dreaming, i laughed so loudly that i woke myself up. I think my sub-concious self is a psycho.

sian.

2005-06-06T02:03:00.000+08:00

I need:
More sleep
More free time
Less work

But, I'm already a slave to work. 9 Hrs a day 6 days a week. I'm beginning to feel the alskdhjaksdghk feeling.

wee.

2005-05-25T01:24:00.000+08:00

such a long time since i typed anything in here. Guess recently i've been too busy for anything and my mind has been rather blank... anyways i settled my bike deposit today, and my insurance too... should be getting it from the bike shop next week if all goes well. Riding a scooter is very different from a normal bike though. I test drove a few bikes and i decided to buy the 1977 vespa super in the end... Coz the $600 PX150 bike was really kinda shitty... well anyways, the bike is baby blue/ cyan in colour...I know it sounds kinda gay... but i think its quite nice la... quite unique...

I think i'm mad already la... vespa has eaten my mind! and now im a slave to nooch just to pay for the bike... but i guess, its worth it!

Fuck la.

2005-05-07T23:20:00.000+08:00

fuck la.

back

2005-05-02T04:11:00.000+08:00

Guess who's back... back again...shady's back.... tell a friend...

Boo. Been so bz these past weeks. 1stly, i've got the job at nooch paragon. yea! gonna start work on tues. and will be working on weds, thurs, fri, sat, sun. Benalda's gonna be working there too so pay us a visit sometime yea. well the trip to JB was a blast except for the 11 ringgit spent on the cab fare to and from HOLIDAY PLAZA, the worst place to shop! "Every floor is very happening". hahah yea rite!

well other than that life hasn't been really very interesting. Singapore is boring and theres nothing to do.

The roof is on fire.

2005-04-18T00:02:00.001+08:00

The roof. The roof. The roof is on fire!

Man. This weekend has been too havoc to describe. Imagine : Old Changi Hospital, Vuluptous Drag Queen, Getting chased by a pissed vuluptous drag queen in a taxi, East Coast, Expo, Kallang, Catching people making out, Police spot checks, Burnouts, Skidding, Speeding, Leading a group of young bengsters around OCH.

another turning point.

2005-04-10T22:01:00.000+08:00

monday, tuesday, wednesday and friday. These are the 4 days that i will be having my papers, and after that its time to enjoy! Viva la bam is like the best show ever. I can keep watching it over and over again and it's still funny everytime i watch it. My plan is to find someone with a camera and film our own version of viva la bam. actually i think we can juz have a camera follow Random Boy every minute of the day and it would be a comedy by itself. If you dunno who Random Boy is then you should really meet him. He's quite a funny guy. He's the new kid on the block. The new guy in the gang. hahaha. RB, if you're reading this, i salute u!

2005-04-04T03:36:00.000+08:00

Lil' Matchstick Man posing for the camera

Sub - concious.

2005-03-31T18:36:00.000+08:00

hey. Check this out. http://led-zeppelin.j1media.com/ . I wonder whether it's just coincidence or they really meant to add in the reverse lyrics...

hello.

2005-03-31T00:34:00.000+08:00

hello is there anyone out there? I'm going mad this is crazy... i wake up, study, then sleep...imagine doing that for days in a row... and i can't even sleep in peace... i've got these weird nightmares... and nothing's really going right... a... i doubt anyone gives a shit anyway.

2005-03-22T20:38:00.000+08:00

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot? The world forgetting, by the world forgot."

-Alexander Pope

Wake up!

2005-03-20T00:26:00.000+08:00

Exams are nearing again! Bah.

Anyway i got a good friend who as an extruding lower jaw. i dont think he's nice coz he's a trickster... kids, if you see him don't get tricked...

i wished

2005-03-15T00:51:00.000+08:00

I wish I was the first ever
Much as she wished I was
I wish more than that

Guess she's finally learnt
But it's way too late now
Because never will she wish again

Now, I wish she was the first ever
Much as I used to wish
I wish more than that

Guess it's my turn to learn
But once again it's too late
Never do wishes come true

trip me

2005-03-13T00:25:00.000+08:00

The leaves began to fall
And no one spoke at all
But I can't seem to recall

I just don't know what to do..

The tree lined avenue
begins to fade from view
drowning past regrets

but i can't seem to forget

Not again...

2005-03-06T03:17:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt that your life is repeating itself all over again? Yes? Well it's happening to me I guess. Problems of the past, thoughts of the past... I'm living my life all over again... Repetition and routine. Life is a vicious cycle of itself.

Kissed my old self goodbye
And tried to start over again
Only to find my new life
Falling apart just the same

Ok now, on to other news... let's see... Had a one day trip to JB yesterday with jiajun, wei, dalton and perryn... The traffic there is so crazy man... and their shopping sux... but the food is good and cheap and their movies too... haha ok i only changed like $10 so it was barely enough to buy anything back for anyone but i guess next time i'll have presents for everyone yea?

Anyway we gave dalton a make over...had him wear a suit from G2000. And suddenly he looked more like a prince than a frog... hahaha... except that he was still wearing slippers... den on to the next stop: the supermarket... where we all had a little lesson from wei that ayam brand was actually from france which is still kinda hard to believe ...

Then we went to this alley which had one whole row of indian shops... and it was so weird cause we were the only chinese in the shop eating prata and they all gave us that weird look... like the "what the hell are you doing here" look... so we decided to eat quickly and scram...

Ok that's it for our day in JB. Guess it's gonna happen again soon... Oh and if any of you kids plan to watch a movie in JB, remember to bring your sweaters coz its freezing cold in the theatre... hahaha... It's kinda amusing to see everyone shivering after the movie...

Sometimes.

2005-02-28T22:48:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it really feels like I've wasted all my time living in this stupid world.

Sometimes I feel really drained.

Can't satisfy the world no matter how hard i try.

Dream

2005-02-20T07:37:00.000+08:00

Dreaming of a better tomorrow
Coz life is an everchanging melody
I'll sing to you my best song
But this world's too big for just you and me

So live your life and I'll live it too
Make the most out of it while you can
I'll walk a mile in these shoes
Just to see you again

tired.

2005-02-17T15:51:00.000+08:00

I'm tired. So tired. Lure me into eternal slumber. Play me the piped piper's tune.

helpless

2005-02-11T05:22:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, things just happen and you have no control of it whatsoever. Sometimes you see your hope crumble before your own eyes. And the worst part is that you can't do anything but watch. Without the bitter, the sweet won't be sweet.

Alright anyway, I've been overpaid by the selFish and Co. hahah! I bet those selfish buggers made a mistake but it's alright, it's a good mistake... and i probably deserved better anyway... So on to the nxt job... @ Mox! Finally no more pms-y indian supervisor. His name is suresh. Help me whack him if you see him kids... He deserves a good smack on the head and duck tape on his mouth. I am still a very poor guy though. So please donate generously to The Grouch Fund. Transform his thrash can into something useful like a Vespa Sprint. That would be nice. That's all for today kids. Sweet dreams and goodnight.

Baa

2005-02-06T23:19:00.000+08:00

In 20 min's time i'm gonna sleep! finally! I only had 2 hrs of sleep in 26 hrs and I even dozed of while pillion riding in my friend's bike when he was sending me home! Luckily i didn't fall off the bike hahah. I kinda like this feeling though..the lack of sleep feeling... makes my brains so empty and everything seems so slow... ok anyway i guess most people don't look at me as the holy boly guy... but i just gotta say this... God is good... like really man... sometimes i feel like i don't deserve his goodness and stuff coz i'm not even making an effort to do the right things at times, but He is always there... some cool shit huh... I never thought i would be saying this but i really felt like it... aite anyway life's fine! my project got some bronze award for the exhibition and honestly, even i felt that my own project was a piece of shit. well i guess we really could have done better but at least some folks recognised the hard work that we put in...

well lastly i would like to say a big thank you to all the dudes who have put up with my mood this past week... Last week was really a rollercoaster ride man... oh and i learnt that tearing banana leaves are quite a good stress reliever hahaa... and maybe doing some jackass shit...

Ctrl alt del.

2005-01-29T02:43:00.000+08:00

Why am i always not on time. Pfft.

G is for green!
Green like the trees
Green is for you
And green is for me!

These feelings inside

2005-01-24T23:32:00.000+08:00

These feelings inside blow my brains out. Thinking about it gives me a headache and not thinking makes me insane. Confusion fuels my imagination. Everything seems so fake i wanna throw it away. But i hang on. Because of you. Because of hope. Amen.

Just life.

2005-01-13T22:32:00.000+08:00

2 more weeks...oH God help me through this. 2 more weeks and I will never have to look into the face of that fucken project lecturer. Anyway i had this nightmare a few days ago. I wonder if it has any significance in my life. I've always been amazed by dreams and fantasies.

[I dreamt that I was in the lift with this other guy. Then the lift reached his floor and he left. However just after the lift starts to move off i notice the reflection of the same guy in the window on the lift door. I turned around but he wasn't there. The reflection started acted like it was dying to get out of the lift. And all this while i seemed invisible to both the reflection and the guy himself.]

Somehow i felt that the dream was like a third person view of me, but i just can't understand what it really means. Well anyway it was interesting, for a dream.

The Good Wednesday

2005-01-05T18:28:00.000+08:00

Today is a good day. I need to save money man. I'm considering taking up bike lessons and a 2nd job at carrefour. Why does a day only consist of only 24 hrs man... couldn't they make it like 48 or something. Then we would all have enough time. I wish i could have the time to do all those stupid shit again like bush-whacking outside kallang indoor stadium or claiming those free gifts from pasir ris or going to old changi. hahaha one day man... one day we shall do that again my brudders. For now i'm a machine man. I wonder how robots feel...programmed to do the same old shit over and over again... I feel like one. Is this what life is about? Routine? Food should be free and people should be allowed to enjoy!

ASdasdlsdarjghasjkdh

2005-01-02T18:55:00.000+08:00

Sorry haven't been myself lately. Going mad here.

eat your face

2005-01-01T01:58:00.000+08:00

It's not because you treat me like dirt
It's not because i'm weak
It's not because you shouted at me
It's not because you made me cry
It's not because you tore me down
It's not because of the things I did because of you

It's because my best is never good enough for you that made 2004 shit

What's so good about the new year? Return me my past.
Happy new year.

Xmas trip

2004-12-24T13:37:00.000+08:00

Black flowers blossom
To the beat of grey
Flashing delight
Teardrop on the fire
Sell to me the world
Over the hill paradise
You left me a trainwreck
And tonight i shall sleep again

The part of me

2004-12-21T21:46:00.000+08:00

A faceless dream
A dreamless face
A life so similar
Yet so seperate

Where are you?

A touch I've never felt
A whisper I've never heard
A part of me
Yet its a part of you

Who are you?

I know you're there...somewhere...in me...in you.

Float

2004-12-19T15:14:00.000+08:00

sian. going to be 19 soon. 19 yrs old and still no achievements. Today i saw 3 friends on TV. haha. interesting stuff.

Yesterday, i saw your face as the alcohol rushed through my bloodstream. In my dreams, i screamed till every capillary of my lungs erupted but you didn't hear me. I was there all along but you couldn't see me. I guess i'm just a worthless shadow.

The bright light

2004-12-14T01:21:00.000+08:00

Well, it feels like i havent mumbled a word for so long. Anyway, a few things happened lately.

1. I fell sick.
2. I recovered.
3. I still feel sick.

Well i actually don't really still feel sick. It's hard to explain. Ever woke up and forgot everything you did the night before? It's not so bad if its just for one night, but try 11 nights consecutively. Ok anyway, I had this really weird thought. What if like... your whole lifetime was just one dream and when you died you would just wake up in a real world... similar to this one... Then when you go back to sleep you would be dreaming for another lifetime... So your real lifetime is many lifetimes.... wonder if anyone understands me haha.. ok i guess i just lack sleep.

Father...

2004-12-06T23:43:00.000+08:00

Why have you forsaken me?

Sleep.

2004-12-05T02:12:00.000+08:00

I love to sleep. Who doesn't? I love it coz i get to escape from the reality of life for 8-odd hours. Finally for 8 hours i can stop thinking about projects or work. What else could be better.

Ok update on my life... what's happening? I got my project going well, work's beginning to get more fun. I guess all that i lack for now is a good rest. I think my fuse is rather short these days, like, i get pissed damn easily. Someone please buy me a chill pill. Oh anyway, I was just observing people today and just seeing how so many of them were putting on a front to look good made me really pissed. I think singapore should adopt the "I'm not ok, You're not ok, but that's ok" kinda policy... then maybe people won't be so fake.

2004-11-28T00:13:00.000+08:00

Poison

juice

2004-11-27T03:11:00.000+08:00

labelled. It's always the same when i start working somewhere. always kena labelled. one day i will make more money than them and then maybe they will piss in their pants and cry to their mummies. been so busy for quite some time already that it feels good. i hate being idle and i hate the feeling of being too lazy but somehow, i love to sleep and wake up late and i like to just sit and stone coz of the headache you get when u sleep too much. hmm so contradicting. ok anyway i think i got too many commitments to the point that i dont think i can handle anymore. abit stressful but hey, i'm loving it.

sheeet.

2004-11-19T22:03:00.000+08:00

Life's so mundane. I need to start work man...

Ok see how fast u can say this:

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

"Forget it" by Breaking Benjamin

2004-11-11T17:09:00.000+08:00

It's a crime you let it happen to me
I don't mind
I love it easy to please
Never mind
Forget it
Just memory
On a page inside a spiral notebook
Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way
How can I believe
When this cloud hangs over me
You're the part of me
That I don't wanna see
I can live forever here

hmm

2004-11-06T06:15:00.000+08:00

I wonder if anyone reads this shitty blog... ok anyway how's life for me? I think i just failed one exam paper in my whole poly life so hmm.. maybe i might stay back 6 mths just for 1 subject... we'll see la... ok anyway, i got news that my dad might be resigning coz his job is like super stress so i guess i'll start working to support myself. Anyway i don't really expect my parents to pay for my stuff anymore.. sometimes it feels weird that im still taking their money. well ok anyway, Mechanical Engineering is full of bengs and i think im getting influenced..haha.. english speaking beng? hmmm. not likely. Well sometimes i wish life was how it was a year ago... kinda problem free... sometimes you do things that you wanna do but u dun really wanna do it... its contradicting. Well this past 8 months i've betrayed myself to the point that some people think im a piece of shit. well all i guess if they can run their lives so well then, why not just take this empty shell here and call it yours and run it your way and then maybe one day you will smile at me again. Maybe if u were me you would be the better person that i cant be and life will work out well. Maybe i might just fall into endless sleep and be god somewhere else. Rule my own place. Aite i think im talking too much. Wont be back from malaysia for abt 3 or 4 days...

2004-11-01T17:13:00.000+08:00

I can't seem to recall, But I can't seem to forget

Goodbye

2004-10-22T23:48:00.000+08:00

Today's a gloomy day. It's been raining the whole day. Went to esplanade to study but in the end didn't study much. Esplanade is really nice though. Can never get sick of the place. Guess it brought back a few memories. Get this man a tiger.

I felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell I wait and bleed

Goodbye

2004-10-22T23:46:00.000+08:00

What does this sign say kids??

2004-10-22T23:45:00.000+08:00

The 3 musketeers

Random thoughts. 20OCT04.

2004-10-20T16:08:00.000+08:00

It's raining today...I like the smell of rain.

Maybe I will fail the test tomorrow. Oh well.

Love doesn't last forever. Only scars do.

Mental block today. No carbon monoxide in the brain.

Got a flu. Need some pills.

Anybody wanna buy me a bong and some herbs?

Pain & Killers

2004-10-19T23:56:00.000+08:00

Painkillers.

Pain & Killers.

Kill the Pain.

Paint the Kill.

I betray myself and my senses like a moth flying into a web that tangles itself. The only cure is the confusion that stalls for time, but time is just a painkiller waiting to paint the kill. We'll just die in the end so don't bother trying. Or maybe we are already dead to each other.

Just a thought.

2004-10-14T20:56:00.000+08:00

If afterlife is a promise of an eternity of joy, then why is everyone fighting to live? Why are we dying to live when we are eventually living to die?

Flawed

2004-10-11T22:41:00.000+08:00

So perfect are imperfections from the view of the optimist. I dunno if that sounded correct but anyway, i just wanna thank the optimist. You gave me life, you gave me strength. You nurtured me from an infant to an adult and all I returned was sorrow and grieve. If there was one thing i really regret in this world, it would be to be to not grow up as you wanted me to. But you loved me and accepted me even though it hurt you and I am prepared to do the same. Flawed are we and flawed we will always be. But our imperfection births a perfect love.

@>\--

I just don't know what to do...

2004-10-07T20:55:00.000+08:00

Mono - Life in mono

The stranger sang a theme,
From someone else's dream
The leaves began to fall
And no one spoke at all
But I can't seem to recall
When you came along

Ingenue,
Ingenue,
I just don't know what to do

The tree-lined avenue
Begins to fade from view
Drowning past regrets
In tea and cigarettes
But I can't seem to forget
When you came along

Ingenue,
Ingenue,
I just don't know what to do

2004-10-04T23:52:00.000+08:00

The light that luminates this place is the one that blinds us in the end

Where did the blue sky go?

2004-10-03T01:41:00.000+08:00

Everybody's saying everything's alrite. I guess so. I'm just missing one small thing. There seems to be one missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle that i can't find. Something that i never had before. Hmm. Maybe I might find out what it is soon.

Life of a kid.

2004-09-29T18:42:00.000+08:00

Typical weekday: I go to school and mark attendance for my friends. When they come they thank me with a stick or two and we go look at motorbikes. During lesson we copy work, sleep or just play a fool. School's good. Sometimes we play with the fire extinguisher or set things on fire.

Typical weekend: Yamakaze. Broken wrists. Stolen buggy. Pool. Climb hill. Skateboard. Bruised knees. Thrill.

Life has no limits. Enjoy!

hopes of the brain of the insane

2004-09-27T23:58:00.000+08:00

Once again i find myself obsessed with a dream. Overwhelmed by insanity when it is actually the only thing that keeps me sane. I wonder if anyone understands me. All this while i've been wondering why... why build up my hopes when you know you'll just crumble up my dreams in the end. why bother to trim the jigsaw piece until its so perfect, that u suddenly realise it doesn't even fit. why connect the dots to find out the answer when u know where it will eventually end. why buy a blunt knife, sharpen it and in the end, use it only to stab yourself. well then, probably you might feel the same way i do . and you might finally understand why i can never make you happy though i really wanted to try.its pointless to deny. you've lost. Coz today i found a blunt knife, stabbed myself where it didnt hurt and threw it away. I'm just as disposable to you as you are to me.

So close, so distant

2004-09-26T15:54:00.000+08:00

A silence so cold
Could freeze a burning heart
But hope still lives on
As your eyes warm me up

Looking through 2 layers of glass
Hasn't blurred my vision yet
A question borne deep within
Raising doubts to all i've seen

24th Sept 2004

2004-09-25T01:59:00.000+08:00

Today was a good day? Met bry, wei, jiajun and dalton and skated after God knows how long.
We drove down for dinner.. haha it was a really funny drive... Anyway after dinner we drove until this place near lil india, and everyone gave this weird stare like wtf were we doing. Stare stare stare...careful oneday someone poke their eyes man...

Nope don't turn off the lights
It's not i wanted from the start
Luminate this place
Your eyes show me your heart

Distant Smile

2004-09-22T22:40:00.000+08:00

In his arms
You are fine
Your joy rids away
Every tear of mine

A smile and a cheer
Congrats on your new life
You gave me courage
For a deeper dive

From afar I peek
To share your joy
To lament your woes
A spectator on distant soil